Tag Archives: diane keaton bio

Annie Pall

Note to self: next time you’re in a mid-life crisis, do not pick up a Diane Keaton autobiography. I repeat. Do. Not.

This time it’s too late. No one warned me. And now I’m fully depressed.

Yes, I finished it. And no, it wasn’t bad. Not in the typical sense of the word. Rather, it was just, well, miserable. I slogged through the whole thing thinking, simultaneously, “she can actually write,” and “please let it end.” I feel sorry for Keaton. She sounds regretful about just about everything. In ways I somewhat understand, which only makes it worse. Now I feel sorry for myself.

The point being: if I jump off a bridge tonight and leave a crumpled note saying something like “it all ends in tears! Or at least Alzheimers…”

Blame Diane Keaton.

Of course I won’t jump off a bridge. Mostly thanks to Mike. He was able to pull me quickly out of my post “Then Again” ennui, and all it took was one line.

Right after I’d finished it, I walked into the kitchen looking sadder than Eeyore on quaaludes.

“I just feel so bad for her!” I moaned.

Mike turned from the pizza he was making with MJ. “Look. Most people suffer everything she’s suffered, but didn’t get to sleep with Warren Beatty.”

And with that thoughts of the bridge quickly receded.

Incidentally, the pizza Mike made was heart shaped. It ended in crumbs, of course, but while it lasted?

It was pretty damn good.


Stabbed In the Book

To add insult to injury, I’ve been betrayed by my book club.

After months of reading excellent choices, all of which resulted in at least slightly substantive conversations–OK, when we weren’t talking about dolphin rape, sea sponge tampons, and the like–we’re now reading something so dim, unappealing and insipid I’m  embarrassed to admit what it is.

A hint: Annie Hall.

Yes, it’s the Diane Keaton biography. I can’t even remember the name. “This Is It?” “What Have You?” “Nevermind?” No, that’s the Nirvana album. Honestly. Am I going to have to lug myself out of this chair to go get it? Is the name really that forgettable?

Sigh. I’ll be right back.

“Then Again.”

Look, I don’t mean to be unkind. I’m aware of google alerts, and I don’t want Ms. Keaton to be offended if she stumbles upon this post. But on the other hand? I think she’ll have to be. Because I so don’t want to read this thing. Here’s how much: I happen to own a copy, because my mother read it a year or two ago and insisted on leaving it with me when she flew home. I told her the only thing I would use it for was kindling. That I’d rather be cut up with a pizza roller than read a single page. That if it was the last book in the world I’d gouge my eyes out rather than–

“Read it,” she interrupted. “It’s about her mother. It’s cute.”

Cute is something I like in my bunnies, not my books. I’m not going to cuddle with the thing. I’m not going to tickle it under the chin. I’m going to read it.


Because I am reading it. I read everything my book club chooses. It’s Pavlovian at this point. But man, am I pissed about it. Every time I pick it up and see Keaton lying there on the cover, her legs up the wall like some yogi on her cycle, I just want to puke. Instead I curse and curse.

This is not what book clubs are for. Give me Catherine the Great. Give me Cleopatra. Give me Henrietta Lacks, even, who was only heroic by virtue of how sick she was. Just please. Don’t give me kindling.

We may need it if the gas gets switched off.