Stabbed In the Book

To add insult to injury, I’ve been betrayed by my book club.

After months of reading excellent choices, all of which resulted in at least slightly substantive conversations–OK, when we weren’t talking about dolphin rape, sea sponge tampons, and the like–we’re now reading something so dim, unappealing and insipid I’m  embarrassed to admit what it is.

A hint: Annie Hall.

Yes, it’s the Diane Keaton biography. I can’t even remember the name. “This Is It?” “What Have You?” “Nevermind?” No, that’s the Nirvana album. Honestly. Am I going to have to lug myself out of this chair to go get it? Is the name really that forgettable?

Sigh. I’ll be right back.

“Then Again.”

Look, I don’t mean to be unkind. I’m aware of google alerts, and I don’t want Ms. Keaton to be offended if she stumbles upon this post. But on the other hand? I think she’ll have to be. Because I so don’t want to read this thing. Here’s how much: I happen to own a copy, because my mother read it a year or two ago and insisted on leaving it with me when she flew home. I told her the only thing I would use it for was kindling. That I’d rather be cut up with a pizza roller than read a single page. That if it was the last book in the world I’d gouge my eyes out rather than–

“Read it,” she interrupted. “It’s about her mother. It’s cute.”

Cute is something I like in my bunnies, not my books. I’m not going to cuddle with the thing. I’m not going to tickle it under the chin. I’m going to read it.

Sadly.

Because I am reading it. I read everything my book club chooses. It’s Pavlovian at this point. But man, am I pissed about it. Every time I pick it up and see Keaton lying there on the cover, her legs up the wall like some yogi on her cycle, I just want to puke. Instead I curse and curse.

This is not what book clubs are for. Give me Catherine the Great. Give me Cleopatra. Give me Henrietta Lacks, even, who was only heroic by virtue of how sick she was. Just please. Don’t give me kindling.

We may need it if the gas gets switched off.

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7 thoughts on “Stabbed In the Book

  1. Jeff McElroy

    So, let me get this straight…you do NOT want to read this book. Right?

    “Cute is something I like in my bunnies, not my books. I’m not going to cuddle with the thing. I’m not going to tickle it under the chin.” —haha!

    Also, I love that the word “dolphin” linked back to one of my all-time favorites posts of yours: “Book Club Gets it Yayas Out” and one of your funniest lines: “And as for teaching her not to pick up condoms? Um, I think I’ll just try to not let her play on the street in hookerville.”
    Honest to God, I laughed myself to sleep that night! I STILL remember it!

    You’re the best!

    Reply
  2. Karen Burgess

    I took this book out of the library and read the first couple of chapters. And just could. not. continue. Here’s the rule from Book Lust for how for how many pages to give a book: 50, unless you’re over 50, at which point you take 100 and subtract your age. At 57, a book only gets 43 pages to hook me! Next birthday: 42 pages.

    Reply
  3. Pingback: Annie Pall | thumbstumbler

  4. blake

    Oh my many advantages! an amazing post dude. Thanks However I feel experiencing problem with ur rss . Don’t know the reason why Unable to enroll in it. Can there be anyone obtaining identical rss problem? Anyone who knows generously respond. Thnkx

    Reply
  5. Pingback: Bait and Swish | thumbstumbler

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