Vagina Curtains

This’ll be the last I say on the subject — lest my husband suffer some sort of embarrassment-related stroke — but it’s apropos: we also have vagina curtains. In our bathroom. Where everything ugly goes to die. I’m not saying the curtains are ugly; after all I chose the print. I’m just saying that they’re covered with vulvas. Really. I didn’t notice it when I bought the fabric for them. My sister, who made them for me, never said anything. Then, after we put them up, we had a nearly identical conversation to the one — with my husband — I described in yesterday’s post.

“Did you notice,” I said to her, “that they look like they’re covered with vaginas?”

“Yup,” she said casually, as if I’d just observed that my bagel was coated in sesame seeds. “Yup, I did.”

What? Why didn’t you say anything?”

“I thought you knew. It’s pretty obvious.”

I must have vagina blindness. Is that a thing? First the chest, now this? Where else am I neglecting to see giant labia hiding in plain sight? The stove? The lemon tree outside? The AC vents? I’m almost afraid to look. Is our entire house a lightly camouflaged version of Playboy? Gah! For shame!

Anyway. Every time I go to the bathroom I stare at the curtains and think “hello, damned female parts.” What else can I think? Look, I have no problem with my own womanhood. I just don’t want to stare at it every time I brush my teeth. But the curtains will stay. Why? Because fabric is expensive. The fabric store is far. And my sister lives in New York now. So, ya-yas or not, they’re the only drapes we’ve got. At least they cover up the hideous louvered windows behind them. And the view of the utility room. Because yes, our bathroom window looks out on our laundry area. Makes sense, right? It’s the way they do it in every home magazine. All the rage, really. She said sarcastically.

It’s the stupidest configuration imaginable. But that’s for another day. For today? I just try to use the toilet in our bedroom. Where, one of these days, I will hang a giant picture of a hotdog. Just to even the score.

2 thoughts on “Vagina Curtains

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