A mosquito bit me on the shoulder this afternoon, and Jesus Christ — the itching has been driving me crazy. We’re too far from a pharmacy to go out and get something for it, so I turned to the Internet to find home remedies.

I tried the following:

• Toothpaste
• Baking soda
• Raw garlic
• Hot compresses

With each attempt, I found myself in an increasing world of discomfort and even pain. The toothpaste, in particular, burned like mint-flavored napalm. Thank you, World Wide Web. Remind me to call you when I finally read “Fifty Shades of Gray” and commence my sado-masochistic experiments. Anyway, next — in total desperation — I dug through the medicine cabinets. Nothing, but a tiny sample pack (unopened) of some sort of ointment — Calmoseptine — which claims to help “promote healing of skin irritations from: urine, diarrhea, wound or fistula drainage, feeding tube site leakage, chafing, chapping, and itching.” OK, first of all, gross. Second of all, gross.

Third of all? Mock all you want. At that point I would’ve grown a butt crack on my arm to stop the itching. I tried it. And guess what? The stuff worked. Hey, man, what’s good for fistulas, right? Anyway, I have a feeling I’ll need to buy more. It poured today, and the mosquitos are vicious outside. Vicious. This is the not so pretty part of Nova Scotia.

Makes me almost miss sepia-toned, non-Maritime, virtually bugless L.A.