Going To Ground

I’ve been having some trouble sleeping recently. At first I blamed it on the multiple dark-chocolate-covered TJ’s caramels I was eating every night, which, admittedly, have far from a soporific effect. But, even after I cut them out, the problem persisted. I decided to write it off to stress — I mean, let’s face it: new home, bad garden, cracking sounds in the walls, what-preschool-to-send-our-daughter-to, Rick Santorum, disappointment about “Downton Abbey’s” second season — there’s a lot to lose sleep over.

Then, one morning recently, I was idly perusing  a food blog when I came across an entry on “earthing.” Earthing, for those of you not in the know, is the science of, um, getting electrically grounded. For better health. By sleeping on a special, $200, specially wired sheet. OK, I know, it sounds stupid, but it’s also weirdly compelling, right? Well, it was to me. I happen to know that there are many ungrounded outlets in our bedroom — near our bed!  This, coupled with other elements of the “earthing” philosophy, convinced me that, if I ever wanted to sleep decently again, we’d better get that sheet.

I called Mike at work and told him about it. I explained that we humans have positive charges and the earth has negative. Or vice versa. Anyway, the point is they’re different. And if we don’t spend time barefoot on the ground — which no one does anymore — then we can’t get grounded and all sorts of problems ensue. Like sleeplessness! The guy on the website said he’d had all kinds of sleep problems, but now that his mattress is grounded he’s fine! He snoozes blissfully for hours! He enjoys the slumber of the Gods. The kinds of Gods that sleep. Which is maybe the Greeks. Although they mostly ate and fornicated. And they were a long time ago…

Anyway, I asked Mike if he thought maybe the sheet would be a good investment.

There is a certain kind of silence that comes back to you over the phone when you call your husband at work with this kind of inquiry. At least in my marriage there is. It is a silence that shouts: “I don’t know how to respond to this. I am busy. You are crazy. Can we talk later?” It is so loud that it actually precludes the need for words.

It was clear that the electro-sheet was not going to happen. I resolved to forge on without it.

Needless to say my slumber did not improve. Now, on top of all the other worries, was a new one: that we were sleeping amidst a cacophony of misdirected electrical impulses. I could almost feel them shooting across my body as I tossed and turned. I buzzed. I hummed. I sizzled! I, myself, could power a small toaster. I had to have that sheet!

Then, fortunately, something came along to distract me from all of that. Oil pulling. I was talking to my sister when she told me that, by swishing a mouthful of coconut oil around for — ahem — twenty minutes every morning, I can cure myself of pretty much anything. Liver problems, cancer, thyroidism, arthritis…the list goes on. Of course, I don’t have any of these conditions. But I figure if oil pulling works on them, it’ll have no problem dealing with my little sleep condition. I’m even betting it can take on the electrical melee in our bed. Ungrounded ions, meet extra-salivated vegetable oil! It’s on!

Unfortunately mouth pulling must be done first thing in the morning, on an empty stomach, and in total silence. (Obviously. Hard to speak when you’re gathering toxins in your mouth via Ayurvedic swishing). So it’ll be some work to figure out how to do this while simultaneously tending to my chatterbox of a daughter. I guess we’ll break out the old baby sign language book. I wonder what the hand signal is for “my fluids are becoming viscous, can it wait?”

At any rate, I am certain of feeling better soon. I place great faith in anything that is cheap, organic, and involves a tongue scraper. Now if I can just stay off of the internet long enough to not find another cure I’ll be fine.

I think I’ll also garden without shoes for awhile. It can’t hurt to cover all of my bases.

16 thoughts on “Going To Ground

  1. 6trainto116

    You are hilarious. I do know people who swear by oil pulling though. I’ve never tried it. It’s about the only thing I haven’t tried. I was going to say you might also consider cranio-sacral or polarity therapy, but by the time you find a good practitioner and see them a couple of times you would’ve paid for your grounded sheet! But I do sleep incredibly well after cranio-sacral seshes 🙂

    Reply
  2. Jeff McElroy

    Ha! Mike is the man!
    But….I’ve had insomnia for like 15 years, so let me know if the electric sheet or the oil pulling or any of that stuff works. I thought I’d tried everything, but, I may just need to change my polarity.
    Or something.

    Reply
      1. Jeff McElroy

        Yes!
        This is among your most brilliant posts. Gather them! Publish them!
        You have a way of taking (in this case) these remedies seriously (and for all we know, why not?!) and simultaneously making fun of them and yourself, perhaps. It’s almost impossible to distinguish where you draw the line between serious inquiry and when it just becomes amusing to you.
        It’s what makes you such an excellent writer.
        Honestly, I’m addicted to your blog. It’s is always entertaining, but posts like this are the real highlights. These are the ones I wait for.

  3. Jeff McElroy

    20 minutes is a long time.
    But you’re able to type while you do it, so that’s something.
    What makes it difficult?

    Reply
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