Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Screener?

Mike and I saw “The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo” last night. It was great, but not great enough. Why? Because it was long.

“Long, you say? So what? ‘Gone With The Wind’ was long; no one complained about that.”

First of all, you weren’t alive when GWTW came out. Most likely. Or, if you were, you were too young to read film reviews. You, my hypothetical interlocutor, don’t know anything. Secondly, I guarantee you that childcare was a lot cheaper in 1939. Probably a quarter an hour. At that price I’d be going to the movies every day. Heck, I’d be making movies. Epics! Sequels to epics! Double-featured sequels to epics!

Ahem. Anyway, when you’re paying hourly for a babysitter, these days, a movie that runs long can hurt. Especially when travel and parking time adds another half hour on each end. Our date night last night, for example — which was dinnerless, mind you — cost us $90! How many cinematic experiences are worth that kind of expense? Few. That explains why this was our first time out to the movies in — wait for it — a year and a half. The next time we go MJ will be able to babysit herself. Because she’ll be in college. Which she’ll be paying for with said babysitting money.

I am starting a campaign: Screeners for Stay-at-Home Moms! SSHM, for short. Which if you say it really fast, sounds like — well, never mind. Anyway, forget the film and TV industry people, all of whom can easily afford to go out to the movies. Take pity on those of us who are, for all intents and purposes, housebound! Those of us who are mad at Netflix for raising their rates so don’t subscribe to them anymore. Who can’t, for the life of them, figure out how to stream HBO shows online. (Not even for free! I’d pay!) Who can never find anything to watch on Hulu but infuriating “clips,” the same three episodes of “Louie,” and the new ____ show, which is –Jesus! — breathtakingly bad! Those of us who, once their child goes down, are too braindead to read, too exhausted to do housework, too lazy to exercise. (OK, maybe it’s just “too lazy” and “too lazy” and “too lazy.” Still. The need persists).

So take pity, Academy of Motion Pictures! Help a mama out! I promise not to loan my copies to anyone — although I may host the occasional viewing party — for which I’ll charge the most nominal of fees — just kidding! Lighten up!

If anyone’s listening, I’d especially like to see “The Artists.” I’m just saying.

3 thoughts on “Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Screener?

  1. Arrowyn Ambrose

    I concur!!! I had the exact same feeling leaving that movie. I thought it would never end, especially after the car accident (and I read all 3 books and saw all 3 Swedish films so you think I would know better) and all I could think about was my poor little baby girl with her grandmother screaming bloody murder while refusing to eat the bottle being shoved at her and blaming me for abandoning her. We need mothers need not bother warnings on movies.

  2. bug

    Sometimes we do “boy/girl movies” (AKA “Flintstones Movies”) With our friends…. everyone gets together at one house and the girls go to the 2pm show while the boys hang with the kids, then the boys go to the 5pm show while the girls hang with the kids and order dinner. Everyone eats together. You get your girl time to dish a little, you get your no-work dinner, you get to talk to adults for a few minutes.

    And it’s Flintstones Movies, b/c the in The Flintstones the boys always sat in the front seat and the girls had to sit in the back. Even though everyone peddled!


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